Adoption really does set you on a high speed ride through 500 different emotions in record speed. Since we've been home from Bulgaria, I (Kristen) have felt all of them. I've felt overwhelming love - like the kind of love where your chest hurts, and you lose your breath, and you want to hole up with your little one forever. I've felt despair. The despair of still trying to figure him out, of not understanding how he thinks, and being on the receiving end of his frustration. I've felt hope - I can see it all coming together. I can see this life together, and it's beautiful. And I've felt fear - lots of it! From one doctor appointment to the next I feel the fear of both the unknown and the known. The fear that creeps in more than I'd like, that tells me I don't really know how this will turn out, and the fear that makes me doubt myself. It really is enough to drive a person crazy, but I've let myself feel all the feelings this whole journey, so the emotional whiplash is likely to continue!
I guess I'll start with Niko's victories. He is a happy little boy! As long as he's well-fed and rested, he has a smile on his face and happily follows his brothers around. He loves to explore and still loves to be outside. His confidence is growing. He has tried the "big kid" swings, sits on the trampoline while the neighborhood boys bounce him up and down, and loves our backyard teeter-totter (thank you, Brad Hemmings, and the good people of the Buy Nothing Facebook groups). We have a whole sweet routine before I leave for work in the morning. I get him from his crib, we change his clothes, we take the dog outside to go potty and feed her, and then we make his oatmeal. We both enjoy the consistency of it all. He's making progress on food and actually ate fettuccine for dinner tonight. While he still prefers pureed food, he will venture out and try new things. Niko loves people. Probably too much, as he has no stranger danger (although to be fair, neither do I). He still is drawn to men and will give hugs to complete strangers, if given the chance. At soccer games, we have to watch him closely because he will find other families to sit with, other purses to go through, and the most embarrassing of all, other pockets to pick-pocket. In Niko's defense, the world we've introduced him to is made up of people who are cheering him on. He probably feels like a celebrity, walking into rooms to hear people say, "Hi Niko!" He must feel entitled to their belongings, or feel they'll forgive him, but he's very curious about what others are holding in their pockets.
One thing we've learned about Niko is that he has been forced to be fiercely independent. He relies on nobody but himself, and when he feels slighted, he lets you know it. We are working on simply saying "no" instead of the dramatic arms splayed open, screaming in anger when a small inconvenience befalls him (such as when we are out of humus and I offer him cottage cheese instead). When I tell him that bath time is over, I've learned to duck as he will come out of the tub swinging to let me know he is not ready to get out. Night time is the hardest, still. He often cries, and I think it's because he wants us, but when we try to comfort him, it makes him more upset. We don't fully understand what is making him sad, but it brings us sadness to know that we can't make it better. We just haven't earned his full trust yet. Mysteriously, for the past week, Niko has been throwing up after meals. The doctor thinks it could be allergies, so we are treating him for that, but not knowing much about his background, it could be anything: a food allergy, the flu, acid reflux, trolling Brad who has a hard time with bodily fluids. The possibilities are endless!
As parents, we are learning to be better advocates for Niko, especially as it relates to his medical care. During a recent MRI, Niko seemed to experience PTSD and spent the whole day crying, shaking, and sucking his thumb, even when the procedure was long over. Even the small act of weighing Niko on a doctor's scale causes a complete breakdown for him. We have started to call ahead and ask for special accommodations - to skip the height and weight, or at minimum, just do it on our way out. For people who don't rock the boat (I have NEVER sent anything back at a restaurant and never would, even if I found a severed finger in my soup), this is new to us, and we are becoming better parents and advocates each day.
Medically, we have received neutral to positive news on most of our concerns. He's being seen by many doctors and specialists: PCP, orthopedics, neurosurgery, neurology (I just learned those were two different things!), physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy, and developmental delay therapy. And we still have audiology and genetics to get to, but we had to prioritize!
Most days, it's hard to believe we are not yet 2 months in. What a difference the gift of time and attention make, and we know the best thing for Niko is to stay the course. We so appreciate all of you who have checked in on us, blessed us with a meal or gifts. Niko can definitely feel the love!
Comments